It’s happened. You’re a middle-aged man, and like other middle-aged men all over the world, it’s time to take a moment to take stock of your life, assess where you are, and start planning for the future… and beyond.
Gone are your carefree twenties and thirties and by now you probably have a kid or two, a bigger mortgage (and stomach) than you’d like, a wife (or an ex), an unforgiving job, ageing parents, less time and more worries than you’ve ever had before.
If that sounds like your life, then middle age has got you by the prostate.
From here on in, there are a few essential actions you should seriously consider taking to help you live your best life for as long as possible.
Related: What is middle age for a man?
17 essential actions middle-aged men should take
Without further waffling, here’s the list.
1. Take your health seriously
If you haven’t already, now is the time to start taking your health seriously.
If you’re overweight, inflexible, unfit, or suffer from physical pain now, then what will your health be like in ten, fifteen, or twenty years if you do nothing about it?
Related: Why I’m getting fit in my forties and why you should too
Nothing changes unless you do
Nothing changes unless you do. So now is the time to start getting into shape or you could be setting yourself up for a difficult (and painful) old age. And nobody wants that.
Related: How often should you workout/exercise
Additionally, being in good health could be to your advantage if you need to work longer than you planned before you retire.
Also consider that for some people, retirement is something that happens to them because of poor health, rather than for them – for which they’re just not prepared.
If you were laid off from work aged 55 because of poor health, consider how that would affect your family and quality of life.
Related: How to get rid of a beer belly
2. Visit your doctor
It’s well known that a lot of men don’t go to the doctor as often as they should, and middle-aged men are probably the worst.
However, it’s strongly recommended by medical experts around the world that you take regular check-ups, especially as you approach middle age.
Men just don’t like to talk about their health (or admit when they have a problem) even though this mentality can lead to more serious conditions later in life.
A visit to your doctor means you’ll be able to discuss any health issues you may have, get a simple health check-up, and potentially get screened for common male health conditions such as colon or prostate cancer.
3. Think about retirement
It’s not always easy to think about retirement, especially if your finances are stretched and you’re already middle-aged. However, the truth is that many families just aren’t saving enough to protect their future.
According to this article, (which makes for some pretty uncomfortable reading), “the vast majority of Americans have less than $1,000 saved, and half of all Americans have nothing put away for retirement at all“.
The same is true across many other western countries where the overwhelming financial pressures of everyday life just don’t allow for saving.
Despite that pressure, every expert will tell you that you need to start saving as soon as possible (especially if you’re already middle-aged) and get professional financial advice to assess your financial position.
If you are in a poor financial situation, then there are a few things you can do right now:
Start paying yourself first
Pay yourself first is a simple and popular concept used for financial planning that implies that you do exactly that.
Before you pay anything else (your mortgage, your bills, your Netflix membership) you pay yourself a percentage of your income toward your future.
While that may sound hard financially, once you prepare for it as a necessity (like your mortgage/rent/bills) make it habitual, and simplify the task through a monthly direct debit payment, it really can pay off.
To begin with, start small. Perhaps just putting away 2% of your monthly paycheck just to start making the habit.
Most experts, however, recommended saving around 20% of your income each month – which is something to work towards.
Once you see your savings grow and you become better at planning where you spend your money you’ll be grateful you started when you did.
Talk about your future
A lot of middle-aged men aren’t great at having ‘important’ conversations, but you need to consider and discuss what kind of retirement you and your partner want to have. This will affect the size of the pension pot you’ll need to save.
Do you want to keep working long into your seventies? Buy a van and travel? Move to the countryside? Volunteer or just relax in a beautiful garden and help raise the grandchildren?
Whatever it is, talking about it as a family is a good place to start so that you can start to plan (and save) accordingly.
4. Learn from the past (but don’t dwell on it)
Once you’re middle-aged, there’s plenty of water that has passed under your bridge and you’ve probably experienced some (if not lots) of pain, loss, disappointment, regret, and indeed joy, success, and happiness.
For many people the past is a place to run away from, for others, it’s somewhere they just can’t let go of.
Although we often hear people say; “It’s best to forget the past and move on”, I believe that using your past, however turbulent or uneventful, has the potential to help you define your future if you can learn to ask the right questions.
Some of these questions include;
- looking at your strengths and weaknesses in past situations and learning in which situations you thrived and which you didn’t
- the environments that excite you and those that don’t
- what kind of people inspire you and who you need to avoid
- which activities bring you joy
- the habits bring out the best in you and which set you back
If you are able to look objectively into the past without dwelling on it and take positives from it, then you can redefine your story and your future.
There’s a great in-depth post about this subject at becomingminimalist.
5. Prepare for the worst
If you’re in your forties or early fifties and are in good health, then chances are you’ve still got at least thirty or forty decent years left in you yet.
But none of us are going to live forever, and as you age your chances of dying increase with each passing year. Especially if you’re a man.
According to research “For every age group, men have a much higher annual death risk than women.
“Men are much more prone to accidents, homicides, and suicides, and the risk of dying from heart disease is always higher for men than women, peaking in the 50s when men are 2.5 times at greater risk of dying.”
With that delightful news to hand, now might be a good time to start thinking about what would happen if the worst were to happen to you – or if you were to accidentally stick a fork in your toaster – just one of a number of dumb ways to die.
There’s a good in-depth post about this subject here, but a brief outline of the basics that you should get in order consists of:
- preparing a will
- having a life insurance policy
- letting others know your pension/financial details
- speaking to someone about what you want to happen at your funeral
- telling someone you trust your passwords for digital accounts
- organising your paperwork (certificates etc)
6. Learn how money works
When it comes to money and finance I’m just a disaster, and I know I’m not unique in this situation.
As middle-aged men, it’s up to us to take responsibility for our finances and learn some simple economics that can start making our money work for us.
Your family deserves to have some kind of financial security, and while this doesn’t mean you have to become a millionaire, it’s really important to ensure you’re doing all you can to earn as much as you can and put that money to work.
“If you are born poor, it’s not your fault. But if you die poor it is.”
Bill Gates
Like many people, I’ve never been taught about money. They could have been selling bricks on Wall St. for all I knew!
How does money work, how do you get hold of it and if you do manage to get some, what are you supposed to do with it?
Those questions often rattle around my skull like a lonely penny in a child’s piggy bank, although over the last few months, I have taken some initiative and read some books about money.
Which, along with podcasts and audiobooks, I think is the best (and most affordable) way to start learning without hiring a financial advisor.
‘Money, Master the Game’ by Tony Robbins and ‘Money: Know More, Make More, Give More’ by Rob Moore have been real eye-openers and have really helped me to begin to understand the dynamics of money.
Additionally, I love this animated summary of the book ‘Rich Dad Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki’ (below) which is an excellent overview of how the system of money works.
7. Consider your occupation
Does your job leave you feeling fulfilled, or do you dread going to work each day?
Are you earning enough and are there enough opportunities for you to continue growing in your line of work? Does your occupation match your ambition and your purpose?
These are all valid questions you should be asking yourself at this stage of your life – because there are still a lot of years of work left.
Which also means that there’s still time to make a change.
Let’s just say you’re forty-six now and have been working for about twenty-six years of your life. You’re no longer a junior and are probably quite established in your position.
In the UK the State Pension age is gradually increasing for men and women and will reach 67 by 2028. Also, in the US if you turn 62 in 2022 or later, your FRA is going to be 67 also.
That means, you potentially have another twenty-one years of work before you can put your feet up.
So, if you don’t like what you do now, there’s still a loooong way to go.
Is now the time to change your occupation?
With that amount of time remaining, there’s also enough time left for you to make a complete change in your career if you were to do it now.
With your experience, contacts, and knowledge, changing your career now might be less traumatic than you think.
When you were younger, it might have taken you years to grow through the ranks of a new company.
But now that you’re middle-aged and experienced, you might be able to move sideways into a new role now or start and scale a new business quickly if your skillset is applicable.
The most common regrets in life
A palliative nurse who counselled the dying in their last days recently revealed the most common regrets we have at the end of our lives.
Number one on the list was this: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.“
So, if you want to be a surfing instructor, just go for it, I say.
8. Take friendship seriously
Loneliness has become one of the biggest issues for middle-aged men and can cause a great deal of misery for those who lack genuine connections in their life.
People need people
Our ancestors lived in groups, hunted, cooked, and worked together in tribes where social interaction and problem-solving with others created strong communities.
Today sociologists (as well as some of the oldest people on the planet) continue to champion the link between long happy lives and this social interaction, which aids our physical and mental well-being.
You probably have a lot of work colleagues and people that you know, but according to a YouGov poll published in 2019, one in five men (in the UK) have no close friends and it’s a trend that’s getting worse.
Although men don’t always need friends in the same way that women do, feeling lonely and being socially isolated can lead to low self-esteem and depression.
Our closest friends are the ones we turn to for advice, to share bad news with or just someone to have a good laugh and hang out with.
But for many middle-aged men, by the time they reach forty and over, many of those connections have disappeared.
Why middle-aged men lose friendships
Moving to a new place, or being swamped by work and family life are the main culprits for depleted friendships.
But even if this isn’t true for you, just being out of the loop for a while can make it hard to make new friends. Especially if you’re already suffering from low self-esteem.
I recently came across this short film on Linkedin by Mark Gainsford that sums up the phenomenon perfectly.
9. Make time for you
As we get older, it’s easy to get swamped in the day-to-day running of a family.
Getting the kids to school, work, swimming classes, football practice, shopping, paying bills and perhaps looking after our own parents can be so exhausting that we often forget that we need to find time for ourselves.
Related: 15 simple productivity tips
When your life isn’t your own it can be a pretty tough existence.
Even if it’s just for 20 minutes, it’s really important to do something for yourself every day – why?
By giving yourself some time, you can re-energise and feel like you’re paying yourself back for the commitment you’re putting into everyone and everything else.
This can feel empowering in a world where we usually give ourselves up to work, meetings, traffic, shopping, the kids, etc…
More than that though.
Time to ourselves is time to reflect. It’s time to be happy doing something we enjoy and to live life, not just endure it.
So find something that lights your fire and do it as often as you can. Whether that’s running, painting, music, meditating, writing, walking, making stuff or just taking a nice long shower.
Doing something for yourself every day might just help you to feel bit more content and happier with your life.
10. Consider your legacy
“What you leave behind is not what is engraved on stone monuments. But what is woven into the lives of others.”
Pericles
Although we usually think of a legacy as being left by the richest and most successful people, the things that we do every day can actually help shape how other people remember us and inspire future generations.
Did you have a grandparent who lived through unimaginable hard times, yet shone through by showing sheer determination and hard work?
Or perhaps you knew someone who died from cancer yet smiled through the pain every day?
Those are the simple traits that build legacies.
Consider your own mortality
Only when you consider your own mortality and the idea that one day you will no longer be around, can you really start to think about what you want to do with your life, what you want to achieve, and what you want to leave behind.
“He was a miserable, grumpy old man” is one way to be remembered. Alternatively, “He was such a happy bloke, who was always helping others” is another.
It’s what you do today, what you stand for, and your daily actions that will be remembered long after you’re gone. And if you happen to invent the next iPhone along the way, people will probably remember you for that too.
11. Write a bucket list
Have you ever heard the expression “Things that get planned, get done”?
I really believe in that.
If you were to allow your dream of chasing the sunset while paragliding in Thailand to rot in the back of your mind, then the chances of you actually doing that one day will be pretty low.
Writing it down in a list of things you want to do before you die (ie a bucket list) and sticking it somewhere you see regularly (the inside of your wardrobe door is a good place if you want your list to be visible but private) is a great way to keep your list fresh in your mind and allow you to make plans for getting some of the activities done.
Isn’t a bucket list just for twenty-year-olds?
A bucket list sounds like something for twenty-year-olds on a gap year, not middle-aged men!
But there’s something very captivating and empowering about getting a pen and paper out and writing out your own bucket list.
A bucket list contains a list of all the things you’d like to see, do and experience during your life, and having one is a really good way to think about the things you’re passionate about.
After all, no one wants to live a life full of regret. So while you still have the energy and the faculties, start making your list and living it.
For a lot of people, the first thing that appears on their list are travel and extreme sports – which is great – but you could also include more simple activities closer to home.
That will mean your weekends and bank holidays are quickly filled up with activities you want to do.
Having a family bucket list that includes the wishes of your partner and kids is a great way to keep everyone happy and full of anticipation.
Anticipation creates an exciting life
With a long list of exciting things you’d like to do pinned to your fridge, your life will get a whole lot more exciting, simply through anticipation.
Even if the event itself is a bit of a letdown, the sleepless nights and tingling excitement of anticipation in the days leading up to whatever you have planned can add another level of richness to your life.
12. Design your life vision
While a bucket list is a checklist of experiences and things that you’d like to do in your life, a life vision goes into much more depth.
A life vision can be the starting point for getting your life in check across all areas. From your health, your wealth, your attitude, who you want to be, what kind of relationships you want, what kind of house, car, and holidays you want to have, and ultimately, how you live your life.
Many of the happiest, most interesting, and most successful people have some kind of vision for their lives, and conversely, the people who feel like life is passing them by, don’t.
In its simplest form, creating life a vision is like setting the destination on your SatNav. Without it, you’ll end up driving around aimlessly until you run out of gas.
With the SatNav switched on, you know exactly where you want to go and how to get there.
13. Keep learning
Getting older shouldn’t mean shutting yourself off from the world and shunning new ideas, technology, and opportunities.
In fact, there are many benefits and reasons for continuing to learn and stay up to date with the latest technologies.
With regard to work, learning new skills and technologies is more important than ever.
There’s no such thing as a ‘job for life’ these days and if you end up out of work and out of the loop, then getting back into work could be much more difficult.
“Life is about learning; when you stop learning, you die.”
Tom Clancy
People who are open to learning benefit from longer, healthier, and wealthier lives.
They enjoy a fuller social life, and more self-confidence, and you’ll be able to keep up with your kids too.
Research also shows that keeping your mind active, can slow down the progression of brain diseases such as Alzheimer’s.
[*Alzheimer’s is a progressive neurodegenerative disorder that affects more than 4.5 million adults in the United States. With an ageing population, that number could approach 20 million by 2050.
It’s the third-leading cause of death, behind cancer and heart disease. Five percent of people older than 65 have Alzheimer’s, and up to one-half of people are affected by age 80]. *Reference
14. Stop giving a f**k
For much of our lives (especially when we’re younger) worrying what other people think about what we do, say, or look like can be a real drain on your spirit and energy levels.
It’s time to stop giving a fuck.
For, as Mark Manson puts it so poetically in his book ‘The subtle art of not giving a fuck’ ~ “We all have a limited amount of fucks to give; pay attention to where and to who you give them to”.
While this sounds like the green light to give the world the finger while you knock back a bottle of tequila on a Saturday afternoon, what it actually means (and this is really important) is “rather than being indifferent, it’s really about being comfortable in being different.”
Indifference is avoidance
In this YouTube clip, the author goes into more detail to explain this further. “Indifference (a lack of interest, concern, or sympathy) doesn’t actually solve any of your life problems, it’s just another form of avoidance.
“A healthy form of not giving a fuck is to feel comfortable with the adversity that you have to face, not beating yourself up over setbacks, and understanding that life is going to make you feel bad at times – and you have to accept that.
“Instead of not accepting your emotions (being anxious, for example), when you say ‘okay, fuck it, I’m anxious, and that’s a normal healthy emotion.’ Your acceptance can help you feel less anxious instead of fighting it.”
So accept who you are, accept what you’re going to care about, and really care about it. And if someone doesn’t like it… fuck ’em.
15. Give back
Although life is a continuous lesson, as middle-aged men, we’re no longer the trainees and so now it’s time for us to start helping others.
Through your lived experiences comes knowledge and insight, and we should all consider giving something back.
It’s a bit of a cliche, but John F. Kennedy’s famous quote “Ask not what your country can do for you – but what you can do for your country” still reverberates today, and the more we as individuals can do for others, the richer our own lives (and theirs) will become.
“The secret to living is giving.”
Tony robbins
Consider becoming a mentor, a coach, starting a blog, becoming part of your local community, or just talking to your kids more so that you can pass your knowledge on to future generations.
16. Take responsibility
Complaining is easy and well attributed to grumpy middle-aged men.
“I’ve got no money, I hate my job, I can’t get fit, I’m bored…”
Whatever problem you have, it’s more than likely your own making, and blaming other people (the government, your ex, the dog) for your problems is simply avoiding them.
What people often think when they have a problem, is that they don’t have the right resources.
That means they think they don’t have the money, the time, the right looks, the right boss, the intelligence, etc…
Related: How to redesign your boring life
Being resourceful is how you solve problems
However, if you can be resourceful enough, you can create almost anything in your life and solve almost any problem.
If you’re strong enough, creative enough, willing enough, and passionate enough to learn and to get people to help you, then you really can start to take responsibility for your life.
17. Live without regret
More than anything though, I think that being true to yourself, being who you are, and having the balls to have a real go at life – however you want to live it – is the best way to live.
Don’t be one of those grumpy middle-aged men who feel like life has already passed them by.
Do the things you want to do, think of others, take some risks, go on adventures, aim high, prepare to fail, laugh at yourself, play with your kids, dance with your wife, and live without regret.
Seriously, what else are you saving your energy for?